Milton Keynes: Alternative intro

Not a huge amount in this passage; an alternative introduction to Milton Keynes and the wonderful world of kettles, and potential introduction to the original comic fantasy vision.


The Reliable Electrical Company truck rumbled along the traffic-ridden suburban streets, one of the heavy tyres bursting a child’s football that dared encroach on the narrow road. The diver swung the wheel with wild, extravagant movements as he squinted into the low winter sun, oblivious to the craping sound of his tailgate against a badly parked Vauxhall, desperately looking for number 42. He counted down the numbers as he negotiated an uncomfortably tight corner, only the most unlikely stroke of luck keeping him from taking out a pillar box on the way.
Forty-eight, forty-six, forty-four…
Now where the hell was he supposed to park a seven-tom wagon, he asked himself.
With no answer immediately forthcoming, he did what any self-respecting electrical goods delivery driver would do in the sircumstances: put the hazard warning lights on and left it in the middle of the street.

“Hi Merthyr,” the driver said as his sister-in-law, Welsh movie star Merthyr Tydfil, opened the door.
“Hello Milton,” she replied.
“I can’t stop long - my truck’s blocking the street,” Milton added, as a handy excuse rather than a pang of conscience.
“I made afilm in a truck once,” Merthyr said. “Have you got time for a coffee?”
“Not really,” he lied, pretending to look guiltily out at his truck. “I was passing on my way to a delivery, so I thought I’d pop by to thank you for the Christmas presents.””Oh, that reminds me,” Merthyr said (Milton’s brother was the quiet one, can you tell?). “I found something else for you the other day.”
“Really?” Milton said.
“It’s not much,” she called from the next room. “It’s just kind of a joke really, but I didn’t come across it in time for Christmas.”
“Well, thanks,” Milton said to fill an awkward gap while she was out of the room.
“Here it is,” she said, coming back with a thin paperback book.
“One hundred and one things to do with a kettle,” he read. “By Steve Trower.”
Merthyr smiled at him expectantly.
“Never heard of him,” he said.
Merthyr’s smile faltered at the thought of an unwanted gift.
“I’m joking!” Milton said, noticing it. “You must have known,” he added. “I’ve got a truck load of kettles parked outside!”

Milton Keynes dragged his truck back round the endless corners of the suburban estate, revving the powerful diesel engine to pump out a mist of choking black smog, and made his way to the Loworth Hardware and Electrical Store, which was unexpectedly locked.
“Great,” Milton muttered to himself. “Now what am I supposed to do with a truckload of kettles?”


Merthyr Tydfil is a heavily sanitized version of the original character, 'mucky film star' Luscious Freelove. Luscious had a lot more comic potential, but tended to take over the story and lead it astray into quite inappropriate territory... As she couldn't be controlled, we had to let her go.